Comings and Goings

Sand River

I like to think I know full well what I have got up my sleeve but I was unprepared for this encounter at the physiotherapy reception desk. My left arm started tingling and irritating me so much that I had no choice but to strip off in front of Dirtbag and some men. I began by flinging my scarf (revealing the cleavage) and ripping off my long sleeved cardigan (exposing the arms) in a totally unprovocative, slightly distressed way. There was the culprit; a big black ant feasting on my forearm. Three times he had bitten me with his ferocious fangs, red itchy lumps immediately swelling up before my very eyes. I flicked him as far away from my flesh as possible thanking my lucky stars he didn't find his way into my pants. At the same time I muttered 'naughty ant,' much to the amusement of the receptionist. This incident reminded me of the horrific discovery of a cockroach in the crotch of my swimming costume three years ago. The chilled out dude had looked comfortable in his high up hammock; snug as a bug in a rug. My costume was hanging on the hook on the back of the bathroom door and it totally freaked me out when I spied the creature in it.

The sound was disturbing and unsettling. I couldn't concentrate and tried to drown the noise with loud music all day long. It sounded so wrong but the siren remained silent so it must be OK? The well fire raged close to the compound wall not far from our villa. It was like having an aeroplane fire up its engines in your back yard and sit there all day blazing on and on and on. I had seen what it looked like from the top of the road, a giant crater full of pale yellow flames, the biggest controlled fire I have ever seen. It scared the kids too and they climbed up onto the roof to look at it. In our five years here this has never happened before. The new engineers we have met told us they were shutting the well down for safety measures as it was too close to the compound.

Another lost and found

The idea amused me and quickly grew into reality. The trouble was getting it to stay up. You'd think it would be easy really, just keep teasing and trusting that it would soon stand fully erect, just as I wanted it to. No, it was being awkward. I tried rubbing it gently with some soap, then smoothed some special gel on it and had a desperate attempt with some egg whites which got a bit messy. Finally, I found success with some gelatin. Phew! My perseverance paid off. I was trying to recreate the 'hair gel' scene from the film There's Something About Mary for the Hash Ball. Whatever did you think I was doing?

I put my hair do to the test by doing my 40-minute fat burning DVD and it survived; Susie shall go to The Ball. It was held at a secluded outdoor picnic site on the beach, for the first time. Most people had attempted to dress up as their Hash name which was all part of the fun. A slide show kept running all night long, projected onto a white sheet which rippled a little in the breeze. This made the photos come to life and so all the old friends were moving alongside us once again. I even saw my two sisters-in-law.

There was dancing of course, and despite an initial refusal, I did allow myself to be picked up in a fireman's lift and spun around a few dizzying times by a strong man. I did warn him that I am quite heavy and didn't want to put his back out and jeopardise his relationship with his lovely girlfriend. Having flung a few other lightweights around he seemed to want this heavyweight challenge. He was very confident so I threw caution to the wind, trusted him and risked it. It was brilliant, my Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze fantasy moment come true. There are very few men in this world who are capable of lifting me up; for the record I admire and thank them.

As I had substituted a bikini for my underwear, a midnight sea swim was imperative. Shivering with delight under the stars, I serenely swished the phosphorescence around with two madmen to keep me company. I am happy to report that my hair style did not droop at any point during the whole evening.

Ass and I'll Come Again

The brilliant ball was swiftly followed by a disaster date with the four of us at a hotel. Dirtbag and Mini-Me argued almost constantly. Romeo's most romantic gesture was enticing me into the bathroom for a game of cards. It was like being locked in the Big Brother house for 24 hours with your worst enemies and even though we all love one another really, it was really hard work. Which makes me remember why we don't do these things; it is not us. We prefer the open spaces, the muddy fields and woods, talking in pubs, sitting around fires with family and friends, laughing, joking and singing.

Trusting that the hailstones which were flung down at our recent Shepley Spring Festival will not batter me and my friend at Underneath The Stars Festival in July. Maybe The Cure will treat me and another friend to their same titled song in November when we go to see them?

With Love xx

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tORuEdknbWI

Reading: The City and the Stars by Arthur C.Clarke
Listening to: Pain by De La Soul ft Snoop Dogg and Wide Open by The Chemical Brothers ft Beck (brilliant video)
Singing and dancing to: Back To You by Bryan Adams
Watched: Doubt (2008), Ex Machina (2015), Anger Management (2003), Mulholland Drive (2001), There's Something About Mary (1998) and The Road (2009).