I can only describe myself as being absolutely without any doubt at all as being at the peak of my midlife crisis. Displaying some ridiculous behaviour and thought processes which I shall refrain from sharing with you. Feeling as though I am in a permanent state of high alert I have had to endure extended wood walks, dodging numerous trees and have lots of music therapy time at home. This involves me singing exuberantly or weeping wistfully depending on which song I have selected from my 45 year old discography. Approaching the woods one day I was quickly catching up an unknown male in front of me on the same route. He'd just finished a phone call and I thought he seemed a bit sad.
'Do you mind if I overtake you, I'm trying to sort my head out?'
He replied, 'No love, aren't we all?'
I sped walked past him smiling and wished him a Happy New Year. He returned the greeting somewhat remorsefully I thought.
I couldn't lose myself in the woods forever and it became clear that I could not escape myself, even when I tried to runaway from me. The tree roots kept tripping me up and their branches grabbed and scratched my skin.
The decision was made and I've told you this before that once I decide to do something I do it. Like in the last week of term when I decided to cycle TO work in the thickest of fog. The sort of fog which envelops everything, where vision becomes milky white and minimal at best. Romeo tried to stop me but I had set my mind and off I pedalled into oblivion. It was brilliant.
So this life changing decision (which I have carefully considered for over a year) involved taking Mini-Me along for courage. Poor child. As we entered the alley he looked slightly concerned. I confessed to him that I was a bit nervous and that I had thought about doing it for a long time and did actually want to do it. There was no need to wait, just straight in after a bit of a chat and a couple of signatures. Mini-Me sat on the floor eating a sausage roll looking rather gloomy. Polly took me into a smaller room and I sat down on the black leather swivel chair.
'Shut your eyes and take a deep breath in,' she instructed, which I did. It was the tiniest prick I have ever experienced. When I opened my eyes and looked in the mirror a small droplet of blood seeped out from beneath the silver stud in my nose and I exclaimed,
'It's massive!'
Polly reassured me that after 4-6 weeks I could change it for the smaller, more subtle jewels that I love.
'I don't like it,' was Mini-Me's deadpan response with a shake of his ginger mop.
I'm feeling more relieved and less manic now that I have done something I consider reckless, that only hurt me in this crazy time of my life. Next I have the minor gynae operation to look forward to. Gulp!
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| Birthday card from my brother |
Mum and I went to church together on New Year's Day. It was a joint service in another village so quite well attended and in a beautiful old building. Lots of large white candles were flickering on each stone window ledge below the stained glass windows. I felt so peaceful and full of hope again despite the sad news on the radio that morning. It was the first time mum had seen the nose job. She chuckled and said it was OK. I told her that I could think of worse things to do and we both giggled in the pew. During the prayers while saying sorry to God for all the wrong things I think, say and do, I felt completely calm inside and my soul simply replied, 'I trust you.'
Not really resolving to do anything new in particular but perhaps make a bit more effort to sustain our marriage, Romeo and I planned an adventure walk together sans enfants. Because it's not all about sex is it? This Dear Reader is NOT a rhetorical question. You should be shouting right about now,
'No Susie, it's not all about the sex,' or 'Yes Susie, it really is all about sex,' whatever your own opinion dictates. It probably depends on whether you are male or female.
Back to the walk. It was brilliant being out together alone on the moors with a bit of rock climbing next to a waterfall on the ascent, before being submerged in low cloud on the steep and slippy descent. Romeo really made a massive effort here because the day before he had slipped on some black ice. Despite the bottles of wine in each hand surviving the fall, his knee suffered quite badly but he hobbled up and down just to be with me.
The saddest thing happened on New Year's Eve when half an hour before going to a friendly, family party Mini-Me looked us both directly in the eye and asked, 'Is it you? Are you Santa?' The truth was followed by thirty minutes of crying, door slamming, counselling and comforting. We somehow managed to get to the party which was great fun, but then while walking home together at 1 am he says soberly,
'So, I suppose you are the Tooth Fairy as well?' Dirtbag has been quite calm and supportive throughout, recognising that her brother's ten year old belief system has been shattered forever.
I hope this new year is being kind to you whatever you may be experiencing. Remember it will not always be like this, circumstances can change for better or worse. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it and hang onto your friends as though they were the only life jacket left in the stormiest of seas. That's what I do anyway.
''But what is my dream? Is it really to know God, or is to know personal happiness? Didn't Teresa also warn that the price of following a dream includes painful setbacks, even having to start all over again? Sometimes it means facing things that we think we can't face, to learn the depth of God's mystery and of our need for faith. My God, I feel as if I am being torn apart.''
From Lying Awake by Mark Salzman.
With Love xx
Listening to: Time Moves Slow by BadBadNotGood feat. Sam Herring
Singing & Dancing to Outside, Faith and Careless Whisper (from Ladies & Gentlemen The Best of George Michael 1998) in my kitchen with a long lost girlfriend under the glitter ball on a grey Monday evening
Watched: DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story (2004) and Noah (2014)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSgmgkyhPZ4
