Footnotes, friends and the fury

A footnote for the previous post

I did check all plural forms of the penis for any of you clever dicks out there thinking that I may have made a cock up.

Can you feel the force?

Sometimes the facebook force is so strong and it draws me into Romeo's secret world. I flick through his news feed watching it scroll up like end film credits, seeing many names I don't know. When I glimpse the ones I do know, I pause and smile, giving them the credit they deserve. The problem with facebook for me is that it is not enough. If I see you in a photo I want to be right there with you and I miss you more. Is that what the force is? How many friends can we cope with, surely 300 is far too many Romeo? Although most of you read me via facebook so I am eternally grateful for this connection. Still resisting the urge to create my own account I think about the diverse and wonderful collection of my lovely friends. They know who they are.
I am tentatively considering creating a page as a writer to tap into this digital age of publishing.

'A friend is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free the wild possibilities within you.'

From anam cara by John O' Donohue.

Just to let all my home county friends and family know I have signed the online Government petition to prevent the closure of Huddersfield A&E department.


Making Chocolate with Mini-Me

Josh: We have to make some chocolate for homework.

Susie: Great! (she is secretly dreading this chaos).

The Sue chef lets the mini one take control. Bewilderingly they have all the ingredients in the pantry already. He weighs, measures, mixes, pours and spills. She has fun and stirs the melted mass on the stove becoming Vianne Rocher in Chocolat. Did you know that Joanne Harris is from Yorkshire too?

Susie: Très bon Joshua, il est fantastique! I know your favourite chocolate, blanc oui, comme Papa?

This homework gets 10/10, a zillion house points and a gigantic green tick from me.
Merci Professeur de Mini-Me!

Mini-Me in his chocolate factory

Yet Another Kitchen Drama

Why do we always end up in the kitchen? The stage lights are of course brightly lit and blinding.

Enter Dirtbag and the action.

We have a heated discussion about both something and nothing at the same time. It's like speaking an alien language and it always takes me down a dark tunnel like Alice on her way to Wonderland, except this is real. I can't for the life of me recall any of the bizarre back and forth dialogue. I probably erased my memory shortly afterwards.
To emphasise one of her points, Ellie forcefully yanks the fridge door open causing the glass jar, containing my homemade salad dressing, to jump off its shelf in shock and smash onto the tiles below. It looks like sick and she unintentionally smears it further afield with a sweeping brush when I shriek at her to clear it up. The microwave referee beeps and in my distress I spill some of my piping hot homemade soup on the work surface and floor.

We are drowning in food stains and screams.

I banish her from my sight and find some solace in singing Talk Show Host by Radiohead at full volume.

I still love her with my whole heart and soul, acknowledging what a despicable dirtbag I was myself at the tender age of fourteen.

Desperate to see Zoolander 2 soon. In the meantime, I will waltz merrily along.
Hope you can join me I'm driving.

With Love xx

www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZTCt-nQY9U

Chocolat - a brilliant book by Joanne Harris and also a great film (2000). Something for you to read/watch during this season of Lent?

A proper footnote

The first footnote is of course technically wrong as it appears at the top of my page but I just had to get it off my chest.

For Fun's Sake!

This is dedicated to any of you out there who need cheering up. I hope it makes you laugh loudly.

I was nearing my destination taking Dirtbag from training to a shopping mall on Saturday. Why were some other drivers and passengers smiling at me while we were stuck at the lights? Checking my rear view mirror, I gasp in horror as I see the giant penis complete with testicles boasting a few pubic hairs, drawn into the dust on the back windscreen. Why haven't I noticed this appendage before now? I'm already driving a huge, throbbing red engine down the highway, why should I need any more attention? The setting sun must have suddenly decided to illuminate this childish work of art in its window frame.

Continuing to freak out but laughing hysterically at the same time I frantically search for the knob (!) to turn the rear windscreen wiper on; it has gone AWOL or something. I've never needed to use it before now. Meanwhile, the front windscreen wipers are frenetically whizzing back and forth, successfully washing the already clean screen. I have no choice but to get Dirtbag involved.

'Phone your father now and tell him that we have got to get rid of a giant penis riding on the back of the fire engine! By the way love, I have never seen one as big as that before.'

I am ranting on and on about penises, nobs, and all sorts. Dirtbag does smile and giggle a bit which only encourages me further in my diatribe. Those of you who know me well will know that I blush quite easily despite my mischievousness and play on words.

Romeo doesn't know where the vitally needed knob is either but admits that he did know the penis picture was there from the other day! Are you kidding? Is this some kind of Tracey Emin A level art project? Or a secret code for 'Follow me if you need some Viagra or something else?' What must the Arabs around me be thinking? Who would put me to such shame and humiliation? Was it the fuel attendant, some cheeky schoolboys or an impertinent colleague? Why are these lights not changing from red to green?

Still fluctuating between laughter and embarrassment I hallucinate that it could actually be seen as a simple artistic representation of the cannon outside Zubarah Fort.
Thank goodness it wasn't projecting an explosion!

At long last, we arrive at the shopping mall. It seems as though I have been driving forever. I park swiftly and jump out grabbing the box of tissues from the boot. It takes just a few wipes to clear the blot from my rear view horizon before I can calmly carry on with the next task in hand; teenage underwear for her and a Bond girl outfit for me!

Feeling cleansed again, I am reassured that nothing is in fact too big for me to handle.


PS I have now located the rear windscreen wiper knob just in case a massive pair of exposed breasts should be discovered travelling at high speed with me on my next journey. Don't YOU dare!

At Zubarah Fort, February 2014

Did this Running Man inspire mini dirtbag?

Pushing my limits

While storm Gertrude was raging across the UK, I was camel riding through the desert with Miss Bell in awe of her amazing adventures and achievements. Now I'm convinced that I am somehow related to her (auburn hair, yes, green eyes, no, slender, no, from Redcar in North Yorkshire, yes but Shepley in West Yorkshire). There are many quotes I would like to share with you but I reckon this one about being in the desert sums it all up.

'No-one can travel here and come back the same. It sets its seal upon you for good or ill.'

From Gertrude Bell: Queen of the Desert by Georgina Howell.

It was a pleasant surprise to discover that Simple Minds were not playing at the Qatar Masters but Soul II Soul (UK) and Arrested Development (US). Brilliant! I had been looking forward to singing Don't You (Forget About Me), (1985) incredibly loudly but I realise you can't possibly forget me because here I am rambling merrily along and presumably you are still reading me.

We arrived just as the last group of golfers were putting. Wow! I was soooooooo bored and it only took five minutes. All these posh people were hanging around dressed in weird clothing being super silent and intense. Where was Adam Sandler swearing his head off as Happy Gilmore, (1996)? Romeo was totally frustrated as he would have loved to walk the course and watch the whole tedious thing. We put ourselves out of misery and propped a bar up for a while which was fun. Then we wandered around the Public Village, which had a kind of upper-class festival feel to it, sharing fish and chips. Somehow I ended up avec un pain au chocolat aux amandes in my coat pocket all night.

I was really excited to experience some live music again and managed to get right up to the front barrier with ease. Soul II Soul were brilliant and I sang and danced my heart out, warming up at last, as it was a chilly 11 degrees or so. There was an older woman on my left and I made polite conversation with her after the vibrant ten piece band had left the stage.

'Did you like Soul II Soul? I thought they were great!'
'They're not U2 are they?' She replied drily.

I wanted to punch her in the face and say of course not! For a start, they are British, R&B artists from London you daft bat. But I refrained. Excellent self-control Susie.
Turning to my right I had much more hip-hop fun with a joyful Canadian lady who was bonkers but in a brilliant way. Arrested Development were really amazing. They created such a positive vibe among the audience encouraging us to clap, wave, sing and generally join in. We celebrated with their exuberant energy. It seemed Romeo was destined to be the husband behind me having fun that night, as two female friends had earlier declined my invitation being otherwise engaged.

No pressure friends of mine: to see me, be with me or even read me. I still love you.
My Canadian chum got a selfie with Speech, the long dreadlocked lead singer. I got a handshake and a 'How ya doin, y'alright?' in a genuinely kind way.

'Beautiful people around the world
Stand up for what you believe in 
Open your mouth
Say it loud and proud
Let your voice be heard'

Lyrics from Let Your Voice Be Heard, off their album Strong by Arrested Development, (2010).

Another itchy eye infection or bite has been bothering me. As has the horrible drainage smell permeating the whole house. Some drastic action was required to make me feel better. So I had a new haircut which obviously makes me look ten years younger.

My current fitness regime is aptly called Insanity and is the hardest physical exercise programme I have ever attempted. I can hardly make it through the five-minute warm up alive.
'Check your heart rate, check your heart rate!' Shaun T shouts at me from the screen. He tends to repeat himself between gasps of exertion. OK, Mr T. when it stops then I'll give up and have a long rest. Respect to all my friends who have ever done or are doing this mental workout.

A momentous decision has been made and four, one-way flights are booked for our homeward bound trip in July. I am floating on air.

Half way through the latest book club choice for this month I have to stop reading. It's disturbing me too much because it's a true crime novel and I can't handle it. I can and will talk about it in our discussion but now I'm going to read anam cara, Spiritual Wisdom From The Celtic World by John O' Donohue, a gift from a special soul friend of mine, to redress the balance.

I have finally finished editing my novel (again) and spent time researching some agents to send it to. Yikes! Now I am working hard on my synopsis and covering letter. After completing these, I will then double, triple check the book before sending the first three chapters to the chosen agent as required. I'm still scared but very determined to do this.

'Ooh, I just know that something good is going to happen
 And I don't know when
But just saying it could even make it happen'

Lyrics from Cloudbusting by Kate Bush, (1985).

Something stopped me from publishing this yesterday and it became clear why when Romeo returned home at 7 pm. He handed me the single stem yellow rose the day after Valentine's day.
'Did you get it half price?' I ask him, smiling sunbeams of elation.


Not reading: The Stranger Beside Me by Ann Rule
Listening and singing to: Cloudbusting and Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God) by Kate Bush from her Hounds of Love album, (1985). Here I Stand and Face The Rain by a-ha, from their brilliant debut album Hunting High and Low, (1985).
Not dancing: I can hardly walk after Insanity!
Watched: Joy (2015), Burnt (2015), Despicable Me 2, (2013) and The Fugitive (1993).
It was half term.

Vanity Publishing!

Q. Did you notice that I have decided to use single quotation marks instead of double ones?

Sonnet S

She chose the small initial 'S' earring,

It would replace her tiny Celtic cross,

Just to try something else without fearing,

The ridiculous pain of searing loss.

Oh how much longer could she bear this change,

Piercing both holes in her lobe and her soul?

With conflicting thoughts and feelings so strange,

She became broken in pieces, not whole.

But the silver symbols began to fight;

To stake claim, remain firm in her right ear.

It was not really a question of might,

The one who holds the truth and wins is clear.

       There is no matter in which earrings I wear,

       Rather, the faith, hope and love I can share.