Another Kitchen Drama

The second recently suffered sandstorm summoned Bad Omens for me as the church service I usually attend was cancelled, as was Ellie's training. The day after brought forth a raging teenage dirtbag tornado, which I can only assume was born of frustration.
I must introduce her to James.

                                                           Cast (in order of appearance)

                                                           Susie       Suzanne Hoyle

                                                           Ellie         Eleanor Jayne Hoyle

It is 4.15 pm. The bright UFO lights are once again blazing down upon me as I re-enter the domesticity I had escaped from (body surfing in champagne or more likely cava, with Mini-Me). There is a baking war zone awaiting me. Un-mixed mixture was coagulating in a bowl. At least 100g of butter was congealed in the sink. Used utensils, flour trails, egg shells and sugar grains were lining the shores of the battlefield. Meanwhile, the milk was relaxing on the work surface with his blue hat off, enjoying some time chilling out of fridge prison.

Susie (shouting)                      Ellieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Ellie (entering the kitchen)        I wanted to surprise you but it went wrong.

Susie (calmly)                         That's great thanks, but please can you tidy up.

Ellie (slightly screeching)          I'm trying to do something nice for you and you tell me
                                              off. Well, I won't bother in future.

Susie (trying to remain calm)    It's really lovely of you but I need you to take
                                              responsibility and clear up after yourself.

Ellie (screeching louder)           Agghhh! It's not fair, am I your maid or something?

Susie (jokingly, hoping humour will cut through the tension)

                                              Come on Cinders just wash up will you.

Ellie (like the nuclear weapon Fireball)

                                              Just make fun of me then, it's not fair.
                                              YOU'RE SO MEAN!

At which point Ellie begins frantically washing up, flinging Fairy Liquid lemon scented suds everywhere. (Where is my fairy godmother when I need her?)
Susie torments the teenage soul further, unable to keep calm and carry on any longer.

Susie (meanly)                       That plate's not clean.

Ellie picks up the unclean, plain white plate to scrub again. Soap sud slippery it falls from her fair hand and smashes into smithereens on the floor tiles, Greek plate throwing style. Susie walks silently away from the tragedy only to Tourette-like curse and swear uncontrollably as she hangs washing on the line outside. Immediately the air around her turns dark blue and black like a big, nasty bruise. When she calmly re-enters the disaster zone, Ellie is on her knees with a red dustpan and brush sweeping up the plate shards.

Ellie                                        Sorry mum.

Susie                                      It's OK Ellie. Thanks for tidying up.        


A ceasefire is resumed.

Easter Holidays

I settle down for my Wednesday night film ritual, having psyched myself up to watch American Psycho (2000). I like to visually challenge myself it seems. I'm looking in Patrick Bateman's fridge and sort of squeal and laugh simultaneously when I see the severed female head in a plastic bag sitting on a shelf. At exactly the same time our front door (which has been left ajar) slams loudly shut as the mother of all sandstorms makes her sudden, dramatic entrance, raging all around the Middle East. Pausing the film, I inspect the swirling orange coloured sand through the window, obscuring everything like a dense fog. The palm fronds are flapping wildly in the winds and I realise that I am more frightened by the weather than the film.
I'm already snacking on grains of sand filtering into the house so I don't need any crisps, popcorn or chocolate as I carry on watching. Like Bateman, I narrate my everyday activities in detail, I also enjoy music and exercise. And I really do like L'Occitane en Provence toiletries and have recently acquired some delightful Fleur d'Or & Acacia hand cream, a belated birthday gift from a kind friend. The similarities cease here. The only weapons of choice I have are a pair of small, stainless steel nail scissors, some tweezers and the occasional waxing strip (I do like a freshly sharpened pencil though). All of the afore mentioned are tools verging into the realms of self-harm depending how much pain I can cope with inflicting upon myself. I certainly couldn't hurt anyone else, not even a fly. Although I must confess to killing at least a couple of blood thirsty mosquitoes in self-defence.

The following day school was closed due to 'extreme weather conditions,' so a great start to the holidays. It reminded me of some super snow days we had sledging in the fields with friends in Shepley. Except that we were stuck inside, choking on sand and dust that no sooner had you removed, returned with an apocalyptic vengeance.
I did not predict such strong winds of change and chaos!

On a more positive note, I am happy to report that the new swimsuit has been well and truly wet tested, chlorinated in both pools and baptised in the Gulf. It seems to be bearing up and holding 'everything in its right place.' I know Thom Yorke of Radiohead wasn't referring to some newly purchased Speedos with his song title but to a 17th Century proverb as follows,

A place for everything and everything in its place
(The Oxford Book of Quotations, Wikipedia).

I studied my PGCE with a lovely Liverpudlian lad who was and still is in a band called Clinic.They supported Radiohead on their Kid A Tour, playing under a big top in Warrington in the year 2000. Romeo and I got free tickets to the gig which was great. Watch the video for Miss You by Clinic on full screen, it's psychedelically cool. I've hopefully added the correct link at the end of this post.

Bruce the dog came to stay with us while his lovely owner went buying more crazy costumes for the fluffy little Pomeranian pooch that he is. His wardrobe is better than mine. I, unfortunately, managed to allow Mini-Me to transform himself into a strawberry as he got really badly sunburnt one day. His freckles resembled the seeds in the fruit of his round, red face. Bad mother. Other Easter fun included egg painting and roll racing them with many lovely kids and sharing a whole lamb that had been cooked on a crucifix-like spit over an open fire, Argentine style. We also dug up an overgrown, non-fruit producing, banana tree. I shook the corm roots at Josh, terrifying him by pretending it was Medusa's head. Sheikh Faisal's Museum, Another Kitchen Drama and Le Camping are coming to your screens soon.

One afternoon/evening while Mini-Me and I were partying on the beach in the straw house one of the Three Little Pigs had built, Romeo was supporting teenage dirtbag at her first athletics competition at an American School in Doha. She has been training with Doha Athletic Club set up and run by Liz McColgan for three months or so now and is really improving in strength and speed. It's inspiring to watch these young people train and Liz is so great with them, encouraging and pushing them to achieve their potential and having a laugh with them too. I am so proud of Ellie's commitment and proud of myself for putting my foot down on the accelerator of the fire engine, taking her to some of the training sessions. She usually attends three sessions per week which last an hour and half with an hours journey both there and back. Phew!  Romeo does worry about me driving into Doha. I assure him that I am fine as I always signal my intentions whilst praying my way around the manic roundabouts.

Once the dust settled after yet another shamal, Josh and I cycled down to the beach to have some fun together. The winds were still strong, creating crashing waves which I managed to coax him into. It was a paradise for only us two and as he punched the breaking waves, shrieking with delight, he told me it was like swimming in champagne. That's my boy.

Thank you for continuing to read me and for your kind words of encouragement. I'm fast approaching 5000 page views now which makes me a bit giddy. I trust I'm brainwashing you all in a purely positive way.
'I think my mask of fake insanity will never slip,' Yorkshire Psycho (2015). Ha ha ha ha!

Reading Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett (second book club choice, it's BRILLIANT. I should be reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom)
Listening/singing/dancing to, Let The Good Times Be Never Ending by The Charlatans from their new album Modern Nature
Other films recently watched:
Romeo and Juliet, Baz Luhrmann version (1996) my Romeo's choice, we watched it together with dirtbag
Frozen (2013) just me and Mini-Me, I LOVE it!
Rio 2   (2014) the family Hoyle and Bruce the dog
The Help (2011) and One Day (2011) solo viewing to enable lots of laughing, crying etc in private

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqBOqEy7GKg