The Day Before Mum Died

Christmas Day 2023

I walked up through the woods in my wellies, enjoying the peace and solitude of nature. My prayers earlier had been for the grace and courage to ask mum about her funeral arrangements, specifically where it was, as I knew she had written it down. And she had told Ellie and I exactly what she wanted to happen too, I just couldn't remember all the details. I also prayed that I would find the strength to tell her all the things on my heart, which she already knew, but I wanted to say them out loud again, so she could hear straight from my heart to hers.

Please God, give me strength and courage to say what I want to say to mum today.

There was a strong sense of urgency to do this as Sunday's visit was not good with mum being quite agitated and talking a bit strange. Stopping to chat to a friend on the cricket field lane for a few minutes broke my solitude but humbled me, as he is forcing himself to keep going out on walks since his stroke over a year ago. We encouraged one another, reminding ourselves to keep moving forward as much as we are able to, whatever our circumstances.

Arriving around midday, I walked in calling cheerfully up the stairs as usual, 'Hiya Mum!'

'Hiya Susie!' came her reply, fairly loud and clear which it hadn't been lately and was such a nice surprise. Sat up in her borrowed hospital bed in my old bedroom, she looked brighter and calmer, although she said she was feeling quite hot. It was a huge relief to see her false teeth back in place as they had fallen out the day before. Dad had been cleaning them for her which I found truly astounding and amazing.

Going over to the bed I gently hugged and kissed her, so happy to see her more relaxed again. I hadn't been there long when Lindsey from the local hospice came. It was great to meet her as both mum and dad had told me how caring and lovely she was. Dad and I had a really good chat with her and asked all those difficult questions like, 'What else can we do, who do we phone if mum dies in the daytime or at night because neither of us know, we're struggling now, please can we get any more help or support?' She was very kind and reassuring, telling us what to expect over the next few weeks and days as mum would become weaker. She went upstairs to spend some quality time with mum then left us saying she would come again next Monday. She was so lovely and helpful.

Going back upstairs myself, I was happy to find mum still calm and even more chirpy. What I remember most vividly is how we were able to have a two-way conversation again. She seemed able to speak without stopping to catch her breath and it didn't seem as hard work for her, despite being on continuous oxygen. Plucking up the courage to ask where her funeral notes were she clearly replied, 'Over there on the dresser in an envelope with After I'm Gone written on it.' 

Gulp. 'Brilliant! Thanks Mum.'

She asked what my family were doing, nodding at each answer, seeming pleased that they were busy at work, college and Uni. When dad called me down for lunch mum sat up comfortably in bed, looked directly into my eyes as I stood in the doorway and said with a beaming smile, 'See you kid, I love you.' It was so poignant, breathtakingly clear and pierced straight through my heart. She was saying goodbye to me.

'Mum! I'm only going downstairs for lunch, I'll come back up.' I attempted to smile back through my cascade of more tears.

While trying to swallow down whatever dad had rustled up I was anxious mum might die there and then, but she didn't. After lunch we chatted more, watched some daytime T.V favourites of hers; Bake Off and quiz show repeats. It was so good to talk together, like we always do, and when the appropriate time came I said all the things I wanted to say, with another flood of silent tears pouring down my face.

'I love you so much Mum, you've been a great mum, thank you for being my mum. I will miss you so much when you go but I know you are going to heaven and you shouldn't be scared. We have had some really good fun together over the years haven't we?' 

Mum agreed and smiled. It was so great to be able to tell her these things on my heart. 

Noticing that her nails had grown again, I asked, 'Mum, do you want another manicure?' 

'Go on then,' she replied.

I gently washed her hands in the old, yellow camping bowl, half-full of warm, soapy water. Then scrubbed with the nail brush before cutting and filing each finger and thumb nail. I never normally do stuff like this for mum but somehow felt compelled to. It was intimate and special. Still, not quite as awesome as dear dad scrubbing her dentures.

'Are they OK Mum?'

'They're fine love, thank you.'

My brother phoned for a chat. It was more difficult for her to speak over the phone, but she did. At the end of the call she clearly said to him, 'OK darling, I love you. See you. Bye.'

We chatted more and mum randomly remarked at one point,' I've had a good husband.'

'One of the best Mum, Dad was really good looking when he was younger.'

'He still is,' she simply stated, which made me smile through yet more tears.

I stayed until about 6pm. It had been a long but lovely day. As I prepared to leave I gently hugged her as usual, told her I loved her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She kissed me back, all as usual. Again, I felt another compulsion, this time I kissed her on her hot forehead and said, 'Night God Bless,' which I don't usually do. Mum would say this to me as a child, then as an adult ending an evening phone call, or when we were away on holiday together. I felt really peaceful. Mum looked peaceful. All was as it should be and couldn't have been any better really.

'Bye Dad, it's been a better day, mum has been so calm and bright. I love you Dad.'

'I love you too Susie.'

Walking downhill back home, smiling, peaceful and thankful, I didn't know then that it would be our last day together. I did know that it was very special though. In hindsight what a blessing.

Thank you Mum. xx

Thank you God 🙏

                                                

                                            

November 2021