M'aider

May began well, with Susie & Nige's magical mystery night (on the calendar in Romeo's script), revealing itself as a trip to Penistone Paramount to watch the Vienna Festival Ballet perform Cinderella. I love dance in all its forms and was enchantedly swept away by both the fairytale and the dancers' discipline and athleticism. It was a multi-sensory experience with colourful costumes, carefully choreographed movements, music by G.A.Rossini and some wine to sip while watching. Romeo had certainly surprised me and after the show we went to a pub where I let him win at pool, as a way of saying thank you. I've also offered to take him on a return date to The annual Harold Wilson Lecture 2017 at the University but he doesn't want to go. It's by Dr Rowan Williams and is entitled: Christianity and democracy: does theology have anything to say to our political crises?
Did he expect something else?

Back to the ballet. It is so beautiful to see and such a different experience as opposed to watching a film, T.V or a play. Thinking about it later, I realise that I find it as equally moving to see the student I work closely with at school, out of his wheelchair for thirty minutes or so each day. I love that time together, it's so special. He has his own unique movements which I try to encourage and support.

Mini-Me went off camping on his first ever school trip: Bushcraft Woods Adventure in Cheshire; on the same weekend as our Shepley Spring Festival. Meanwhile, the lovely Dirtbag was catching up with friends and doing her waitressing shift at a local pub/restaurant. How things change.

Back to the festival. There was so much music, singing and dancing to enjoy; it was impossible to experience everything and it certainly took my mind off missing the little fella. On Friday evening I sang in church with the Shepley Singers, which was lovely. Later on, in the beer tent I bumped into Belinda O'Hooley and had a nice little chat with her, asking how their performance had gone, (O'Hooley & Tidow). I apologised for not being able to listen as I was singing in the church and she said not to worry, they are doing something in Slaithwaite in October and to come along to that. Which, of course, I may do.

On Saturday I attended a lunchtime concert with meine Freundin (Romeo was playing cricket) where we saw Stepling, Nightfall and Megson; all brilliantly captivating. The evening concert was awesome with Nordic Fiddlers Bloc then Kelly Oliver, (followed by a short break in the beer tent for me) before the amazing Eliza Carthy and the Wayward Band. If you get chance to see them live I encourage you to do so, you will not be disappointed. You can blame me if you are though. Purchasing her deluxe CD afterwards and while she signed it for me I said, 'That was absolutely BRILLIANT Eliza! Thank you for coming to our festival again.'
She replied, still out of breath from her exuberant performance, that it was a pleasure. She is certainly an individual and unashamedly rocking the folk scene with the Wayward Band, in my humble opinion. I doubt whether the traditionalists among us approved and some people did leave the tent. Jigging around at the back behind the sound system with Romeo, I was at home in my own village and at a folk festival; in other words, in one version of my own personal heaven for a few hours.

Then the darkness descended, first in the form of a severe sickness bug which seemed to affect quite a few members of staff from work. Mayday, Mayday! I somehow manged to sing but felt terrible and couldn't really support Romeo with his ceramics stall on Sunday. On Monday I stayed at home sleeping and starving myself. At tea time there was a huge family row and a heaviness hung in the air. As I was ill, I didn't even have the energy to weep. Hibernating upstairs, I glimpsed a faint rainbow trying its best to shove the dark grey clouds aside. Struggling to sleep I kept tossing and turning. At around 10.30 pm I suddenly started crying and sobbing for no apparent reason. Knowing that something was really wrong somewhere I began praying for my friends and family. My heart felt as though it were being pressed down upon heavily with two giant fingers. It happened twice and hurt. When the sobbing had subsided I somehow fell asleep. Awakening the next morning to the news that there had been a bomb at Manchester Arena with some deaths and many injured; the tears came tumbling down again.

                              X X X X X X X X X X  X X X X X X X X X X  X X

Nature has its ways of trying to cheer us up and the sheep stopping our train in its tracks scenario was amusing. The train driver and conductor jumped off with their orange Hi Vis jackets on, heroically rescuing the 7 or so sheep from the barbed wire fence at the side of the railway line. It could have been a real life episode from Postman Pat, except the train driver was called Steve, not Ajay. The photo below of two woolly jumpers is courtesy of my fellow friendly train traveller.

'As long ago as 1086 SCIPELEI (Shepley) was mentioned in the Domesday Book, so there must have been some kind of settlement before the Norman Conquest. The name SHEPLEY, often thought to mean 'a clearing where sheep are kept' (but possibly connected with ley lines!) would indicate the early settlers were Anglo Saxon, 'ley' being Saxon for clearing.' From SHEPLEY  Believe it...... or Not! by David Billington.

On a sporting theme, I am attempting to do my bit in the cricket tea hut, making either chip butties for junior players or helping prepare a full on buffet for the second team players. There are many stalwarts in the club who consistently give so much time and energy, it's very admirable and humbling. Reality seems to be slowly sinking in for the many fans who witnessed Huddersfield Town being promoted into the Premier League at Wembley. As you know, I am not a fan of football, but I did watch the match on T.V with Romeo, Mini-Me, my brother and his family, our parents and sis-in-law's parents. The overwhelming joyful feeling of the win was the polar opposite of deepest, darkest despair from exactly a week ago. Do we have to live in such extremes now? Does theology have anything to say about how we should live our lives now? Maybe Dr Williams and I can thrash that out together. Politique, Oui.

Peace, Love, Joy & Hope.
With so much love it hurts xx

Reading: Riddley Walker by Russell Hoban
Listening to: the birds singing and the rain splashing down
Singing: Why Can't We Live Together by Sade off her brilliant debut album Diamond Life (1984)
Dancing to:www.youtube.com/watch?v=hN5X4kGhAtU
Watched: Later...with Jools Holland and The Book Thief (2013)

A proud Terrier fan

Poet DJ in motion

If I do not write this I will definitely, spontaneously combust. There  is so much to tell you and get off my chest; I can't carry it around any longer. Even my new uplifting bras can't cope with this strain.

Through the gap between the detached houses opposite our terrace of three, the oilseed rape field glows neon yellow on the horizon. I think of Dorothy and her friends travelling together on the yellow brick road and try to use my brain, my heart and my courage to their full capacity, as I continue on my own journey. I also spy with my little eye lots of lovely bluebells in the woods where I dwell.

A list of good things that have happened lately:

Romeo selling some of his ceramics
Dancing for four hours at an 80s/Wham Disco
Easter holidays: including a fabulous family trip to Dublin to see my sbf (special best friend)
Mini-Me begins his first ever full and beloved cricket season
Dirtbag travels solo from Huddersfield to Middlesborough by train, to stay with a desert found friend
Family Party weekend in Wales (a total of 35 Hoyles were there!)

Nose Piercing Update

I knew the time had come to change it. Trusting that I could do this myself, I inhaled deeply and began trying to unscrew the minute silver ball. After about thirty minutes I almost gave up.
Don't give up Susie, most people do, but don't. See how these encouraging words apply to all sorts of situations and not just writing? Keep on unscrewing and screwing Susie.

Eventually the tiny stud came loose and fell off into my hand. Next, I had to carefully pull the metal bar from a tangle of nasal hairs and crusty snot from the inside of my nostril. Nothing to worry about there wasn't any blood pouring forth. I'd imagined the hole in my nose being quite visible and gaping but almost immediately it seemed to close up like a clam shell, sending me into a mild panic. How would I ever shove the smaller bar up my nostril and into the pierced site? With MUCH difficulty as I was to discover. It was such a challenge, more so than any physical test I have endured, except childbirth, naturally. Prodding and pushing, stabbing and jabbing away made it red and sore again. Finally, I pushed it through the opening and saw it poking out on the other side. Euphoria was swiftly replaced by more stress as I couldn't for the life of me screw the minute pale blue jewel into the new smaller stem. I felt like Gulliver attempting to tie a Lilliputian's shoe lace, all fingers and thumbs getting nowhere fast. Knowing that something so ridiculously small, could fall from my sweaty pincer grip and be lost forever in the worn tread of our bedroom carpet, filled me with woe.

Romeo came to see what I was doing. He doesn't trust me being alone in these days of my crisis, for fear of what I get up to. Lots of mischief at best, as you will find out if you carry on reading. Beginning to really stress out, I started frantically cursing and told him to go away and leave me alone. Poor man.

About an hour later, I emerged all dressed up and ready to go out, grinning with pride and revealing my new sparkly nose stud. Naturally, I apologised for my psychotic outburst. Was it all worth it I ask myself? Of course it was! I love it and can change my piercing as often and erratically as my moods dictate.

SOLD: The Souq 

Record Store Day 2017

My favourite radio station BBC Radio 6 Music were broadcasting live from Vinyl Tap in Huddersfield on Friday 21st April. It was Lauren Laverne's show with guests including my favourite, living poet, Simon Armitage. We had just returned from our fab Dublin trip and after much deliberating, I decided to stay at home and listen to the show from the comfort of my kitchen. (The dance floor is tiled and the permanent disco ball glitters from the ceiling). Although, I had contacted the shop to see if I could be part of the live audience and Adam kindly replied that I could, subject to space. Not wanting to get up early to queue, as many did, I thoroughly enjoyed the three hour show further promoting a cool, local independent business and my hometown. However, the following day I popped into town on the train to support the shop on actual record store day. Dressing casually in my black jeans and colourful trainers, long sleeved turquoise top with my Arabian Colour Run T.shirt over that, featuring a splash of rainbow across my bosom, with its gold embossed shine, specifically contouring my left breast. I may as well point people in a positive direction if they follow me at all. Chucking on a blue charity shop cardigan, hair roughly tied up, large silver hoop earrings in place and the look was complete. Oh and with a raincoat just in case, I set off. Would I have made more effort if I'd have known the outcome of my day? Possibly. Never one to hold back on her opinions these days, Dirtbag had earlier remarked rather derrogatorily, 'Muuuum, what are you wearing?' I said something like, 'I'm a comfortable, cool, retro 80s style hippy chick!' And invited her to come with me but she politely refused. So, I trundled along on the train, with a small army of hopeful Huddersfield Town fans going to the home game that afternoon. Incidentally, they lost 4-1, if you're interested.

Back to the real action.

Downstairs in Vinyl Tap the small stage was loudly rocking with a young local band and all sorts of people were casually milling around leafing through racks of albums. There was a good atmosphere and I didn't mind being on my own. After about fifty minutes or so I was thinking of moving, when lo and behold but who should appear two record racks in front of me? None other than my local literary hero. Smiling to myself and having a quick, silent pep talk to be as normal as possible, I casually strolled up alongside him. I will try really hard to accurately recount our little chat without any hyperbole.

Me: Hi Simon, can I just say 'Hi' to you?

Simon: Yeah, Hi.

Me: (here we go, trying not to sound like Kathy Bates' character, Annie Wilkes, in the film Misery) I love your work, I'm a big fan of yours.

Simon: (humble and smiling) Thank you.

Me: (not giving up now) The show went well yesterday didn't it? I listened to it from home, it sounded really good.

Simon: Yes, it was good. (he did say something other than this but I don't want to make up his dialogue and misquote the genius).

At this point I began rambling on about my husband and ten year old being at cricket, teenager still in bed, told him that we had been living abroad and how much I loved being back home in Huddersfield. I was probably trying to make him feel at ease in my presence or something. Feeling very normal and relaxed I carried on, despite him glancing down at some records. I wasn't finished yet.

Me: You didn't do anything at this year's literary festival did you?

Simon: No, but I probably will next year.

I'd noticed a poster stuck on the wall boasting the day and its events. At the bottom it read: After Party 6 pm - Late  AT  Magic Rock Tap  DJ sets from Vinyl Tap & Simon Armitage.

Me: What's this DJ set you're doing tonight then? It's a bit different to a poetry reading.

Simon: (seeming quite excited about this) I'm just sorting some records out for it now, you should come along.

I think I did allow a natural, giggly laugh out at this point. It was almost like Shakespeare his very self asking me to prompt from the wings at a staging of Romeo and Juliet in The Globe Theatre.

Me: Well, I wasn't planning on staying out all day and night but I'll think about it.
(those of you who know me really well can imagine my broad grin and blue eyes flashing mischief here)

Simon: (looking intently at the records now, surely giving me a hint to get lost)

Me: I'll let you get on then. Thanks for chatting to me. Keep writing.

He did smile and say goodbye and was generally very humble and pleasant. I was my honest self throughout this chat and thrilled to tell him face to face that I love his work. Because I can't tell all the brilliant dead poets and authors that can I? And it's important to encourage one another in our natural gifts and talents isn't it? For me it was the perfect chance meeting and I felt so happy just to spend a little bit of normal, northern time together in our hometown. Not sure that the feeling was mutual but he did smile at me. Grinning, I went back upstairs and looked at more vinyl. Despite not having a record player yet, I bought Solid Air by John Martyn because it's very cool. I love the songs and the album cover equally. And, just for the record, I still don't do drugs, even though Go Down Easy is one of my favourite tracks. Or maybe I have misunderstood and it's just about lying down with someone you love?

Wait a minute Suze, did you go to the gig at the brewery then? Of course I did. I supped four halves of Dancing Bear (Number 1 on the blackboard and the weakest ale on tap). One half was bought for me by a lovely couple, who along with their lovely friends kept me company, as I was alone. It turned out that Romeo had taught their kids a few years ago and sang with ThunderBridge at their wedding! Trying not to panic I kept careful watch so no one would hang the DJ. I recall singing along to Bigmouth Strikes Again by The Smiths and Seconds by The Human League. The Dancing Bear was well behaved though and didn't make a fool of herself. Although, I did scribble a note to the poet DJ on a beer mat with the link to my blog on it, saying he would probably feature in the next post. I gave this to Tony, the owner of Vinyl Tap, and asked him to pass it on. So really, I'm just keeping my word here while recording my wonderful life. Remember that this is mostly a selfish act to make me laugh when I am an old woman.

Catching the last train home, I felt slightly giddy. It isn't a Wonderbra but it certainly gave me a boost and stopped my confidence from sagging throughout this exciting day.

Thank you for continuing to read my diary and sharing in my adventures.
Keep on, keeping on whatever you enjoy doing and that which makes you happy.

I know you, I love you, 
And I'll be your friend 
I could follow you, anywhere
Even through solid air

Lyrics from Solid Air by John Martyn, obviously.

With Love xx

Recently read: The Good Guy by Susan Beale, The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and An Idyll in Winter (short story) by William Trevor
Listening to:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtW1S5EbHgU
Singing: our folk repertoire for the upcoming festival
http://www.shepleyspringfestival.co.uk/
Dancing to: We Got The Power by Gorillaz, The One 2 by !!! and Inner City Blues by Marvin Gaye
Watched: Philomena (2013), Revolutionary Road (2008) and The Wizard of Oz (1939).

Being Brave

It is a few weeks since I have written due to busyness, tiredness and dare I confess a lack of inspiration. It has seemed a long time since the sun has shone but the winter hibernation is almost over. Never fear, I am back now and still laughing at the comment on my last post, seemingly from an osteopath with poor English. This has highlighted how important it is that my writing reaches my target audience. Try harder Suze!

The half term holiday was much needed, I was so exhausted and felt ill for a couple of days but just needed to rest and recover. When I had relaxed I enjoyed meeting up with some special friends at various places: local pub quiz, lunch at our house and Jodrell Bank. A week's holiday is never long enough and neither is any time spent with my favourite friends, in both real life and the virtual domain.

For World book Day I decided to dress up as Little Red Riding Hood's Grandmother, as my lovely, young teacher was going to become Tall Glamorous Red Riding Hood. When I appeared in my outfit for breakfast and Romeo said, 'Why do you look like an old Grandma?' I knew I'd nailed it.
He then went on to ask, 'Is this what you'll look like when you're eighty?'
'If you're lucky,' I replied.

I had to boldly go and buy a new swimsuit for work as my other was wearing a bit thin. I miss swimming in the sea but have not yet been daring enough to swim in one of the local indoor pools. Maybe when it gets warmer? Cycling has recommenced though thanks to the recent national rail strike. It happened to be a beautiful day so I valiantly cycled to and from work and felt more like myself again. Exercise helps my creativity too and I often plan what I want to write about when I'm pedalling up and down, while singing of course.

The Huddersfield Literature festival has also been very inspiring for me. The first event I attended was a comedy evening with James Bran & Kate Fox, who are performance poets. They both had their own unique styles and were funny. I went with a friend to the event held in an ex mental hospital which is now posh student accommodation. We reminisced about the sixth form parties we used to go to there, which we agreed, were brilliant. The second event I attended was about memoir writing with Ian Clayton, Diana Darke and Clover Stroud, in one of the lecture theatres at the University. I wrapped my most beautiful and brightest scarf (a gift) around my purple jacket and set off solo looking like a walking human rainbow. The theme of the festival this year is courage in all it's forms and I felt like being plucky. Travelling by train I arrived early, so there was time to undauntedly buy a hot chocolate and some biscuits and give them to a homeless man sat on the street. Crouching down to try and chat with him on his level I felt far too bright and cheery in his presence, as though I would annoy or upset him. He was OK though and gratefully accepted the drink and snack. This is part of how I am tackling Lent; not giving something up but attempting 40 acts of kindness during this season of self reflection. It could seem a bit contrived if I think about it so I try not to think too much and just be fearlessly spontaneous. However, I confess I cried when I left him and walked on to the University. Would you believe me if I said the hardest place for me to be patient, kind, loving and forgiving is in my own home?

The memoir writing session was especially inspiring for me, in particular Diana Darke's book, My House in Damascus, giving a unique and personal perspective of the ongoing Syrian crisis. Underneath my rainbow layers I wore my gold necklace saying Susie in Arabic, a gift from a lovely Muslim friend when we left Qatar. Being brave enough to chat with Diana afterwards I showed her my necklace then asked her how she had found the courage to pursue publishing her memoir. She gave me this encouraging advice which I try to tell myself: 'Don't give up. Most people do, but don't.'

Just recovering after attending two local gigs: Friday night in the village pub with ThunderBridge starring Romeo as lead vocalist. Followed by Saturday night at the Picturedrome in Holmfirth with Howard Jones. Both were brilliant. Yeah they was dancin' and singin' and movin' to the groovin' at both intimate venues.

With Love xx

Lyrics from Play That Funky Music by Wild Cherry (1976)

Reading: Proxima by Stephen Baxter
Listening to: New Song by Howard Jones (1984) and New Song by Warpaint (2016)
Singing: Sowing The Seeds of Love by Tears For Fears (1989)
Dancing to this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkaEpUBUQDw
Watched: About Time (2013), Ghost (1990), Little Fockers (2010) The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013), The Iron Lady (2011) and Argo (2012)

PS Happy International Happiness Day

Healing

The nose piercing is healing fine although I could have done with a few dips in the Arabian Gulf to speed up this process. Instead I have been relentlessly bathing my face in homemade salt solution and sleeping with some rock salt attached to my nose on occasional nights. The piercing is on the left which is supposed to be good for easing the pain of child birth; bit late for that now. Which reminds me how much I trust in my amazing contraceptive device that is still anchored safely up there and not floating freely around in the wondrous abyss of my womb. It's like having a mini alien resident but I don't feel disturbed by its presence, just grateful. Two places on the local train line suddenly spring to mind: Wombwell and Penistone.

Train Station Threesome

At the train station waiting to return home from work one afternoon I find myself involved with two older teenage boys. Both were terribly uncouth, ugly and immature, just to put you properly in the picture. They were showing off and abusing one another in a kind of good-natured way, although overusing the f word to the point of it being a complete and utter waste of their vocal chords. They were speaking really derogatorily about girls, really loudly, then asked each other if they had ever had a one night stand. Trying hard not to laugh at this second part of the last sentence I kept focusing on the blackbirds and magpies (one for sorrow, so I always look harder to find two for joy), in the sky. Suddenly one of the lads brazenly asks me for the time and I reply, politely.
Then they decide to spar right in front of me, kicking each other in the groin while continuing to verbally abuse one another. I am, by now, willing the train to come along the track and rescue me. But I couldn't help myself by joining in and saying, 'You must be quite good pals?'
The track-suited one replied, 'No, not really. I'm going out with his sister.'
My trainspotting was rewarded as I glimpsed the lights appearing first around the bend.
'It's here!' I say, mostly to myself and they suddenly stop fighting and become almost civilised.

Choose life, I think.

I only managed two Boot Camp sessions before the injury to my Piriformis occured. I have been in absolute agony yet somehow still managed to walk and work; smelling of an intoxicating mixture of Pink Grapefruit perfume (nice and fresh for work and good for the senses) suffused with the overwhelming Deep Heat scent (smeared all over my lower back and left buttock). My colleagues have been so kind and caring, taking the strain from me at school with the manual handling side of the job. I get so cross because I love keeping fit and it's so debilitating being unable to move freely without constant pain. Then I get overwhelmed by the amount of mental, physical and spiritual pain suffered by others in the world and cry my heart out.
Sitting on an ice pack and stretching has worked wonders for the muscle strain so I'm looking forward to cycling again soon, maybe after half term. I miss cycling.

A school friend of mine died just before Christmas and I recently attended a celebration of her life at a local pub. It was well attended and I was pleased to be able to go along and support her loving mum, sister, friends and family members. It was another opportunity to remember how short our earthly lives can be and to enjoy each moment just as it is, right now, wherever we are. Yet we also have to be true to ourselves and courageously change the things we can, to keep us motivated and moving positively forwards.

My many still living, beautiful, clever and kind friends continue to bring me much joy in my life and I will love them To infinity.......and beyond, in the words of Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story. But I also have a secret friend at work. He/she sends me random gifts such as chocolates, candles, socks with rainbows on, sweets and all manner of things, every now and again. It's really lovely especially when you least expect it and if you are having a particularly tough/challenging week at work. I suspect it's a her but I don't know who yet and it's so intriguing because I want to hug her and say, 'Thank you for caring about me so much.' I reciprocate by leaving random gifts and notes to another member of staff (my secret friend) and try to make her feel as special as I am made to feel.

Red Hot Kitchen Drama

It is a gloomy February evening.
The four main characters are in the kitchen at the same time as it is just before tea. All the lights are on but they somehow don't seem bright enough. Mini-Me is finishing some maths homework at the table. Dirtbag is on her phone standing by the fire. Romeo is at the sink while Midlife crisis is frantically mashing potatoes or something.

Mini-Me: What is erotic love?

The three other characters suddenly become paralysed in their actions then burst out laughing loudly in bass, soprano and alto.

Mini-Me: What? It's just a question.

(We are getting a lot of interesting questions since he is now being taught sex education at school).

Midlife crisis: I don't know I haven't experienced it yet! (laughing manically and dolloping the mash onto plates). Then while the 12 inch version of Erotica by Madonna spins in my head I come up with the following explanation.

Midlife crisis: It's when people make each other feel good by touching their private parts. Would you like two or three sausages for tea?

Well, what would YOU say?

'Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days 
and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's 
knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always 
known in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of 
your dreams.

And it is well you should.
The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise
and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be 
revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown 
treasure;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff 
or sounding line.
For self is a sea boundless and measureless.'

From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

With Love xx

Reading: Death by Dangerous by Olly Jarvis
Listening to: Torture by Hairy Diamond and Hang Me Out to Dry by Metronomy and Robyn
Singing: with Shepley Singers some traditional folk songs beautifully arranged in four part harmonies. I'm challenging myself in the alto section. It's brilliant.
Watched: La La Land (2016), Cast Away (2000), Meet The Parents (2000), Meet The Fockers (2004), Dead Poets Society (1989), Little Miss Sunshine (2006) and The Kite Runner (2007)


/www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmlmOk4ubc

At the peak

I can only describe myself as being absolutely without any doubt at all as being at the peak of my midlife crisis. Displaying some ridiculous behaviour and thought processes which I shall refrain from sharing with you. Feeling as though I am in a permanent state of high alert I have had to endure extended wood walks, dodging numerous trees and have lots of music therapy time at home. This involves me singing exuberantly or weeping wistfully depending on which song I have selected from my 45 year old discography. Approaching the woods one day I was quickly catching up an unknown male in front of me on the same route. He'd just finished a phone call and I thought he seemed a bit sad.
'Do you mind if I overtake you, I'm trying to sort my head out?'
He replied, 'No love, aren't we all?'
I sped walked past him smiling and wished him a Happy New Year. He returned the greeting somewhat remorsefully I thought.

I couldn't lose myself in the woods forever and it became clear that I could not escape myself, even when I tried to runaway from me. The tree roots kept tripping me up and their branches grabbed and scratched my skin.

The decision was made and I've told you this before that once I decide to do something I do it. Like in the last week of term when I decided to cycle TO work in the thickest of fog. The sort of fog which envelops everything, where vision becomes milky white and minimal at best. Romeo tried to stop me but I had set my mind and off I pedalled into oblivion. It was brilliant.

So this life changing decision (which I have carefully considered for over a year) involved taking Mini-Me along for courage. Poor child. As we entered the alley he looked slightly concerned. I confessed to him that I was a bit nervous and that I had thought about doing it for a long time and did actually want to do it. There was no need to wait, just straight in after a bit of a chat and a couple of signatures. Mini-Me sat on the floor eating a sausage roll looking rather gloomy. Polly took me into a smaller room and I sat down on the black leather swivel chair.
'Shut your eyes and take a deep breath in,' she instructed, which I did. It was the tiniest prick I have ever experienced. When I opened my eyes and looked in the mirror a small droplet of blood seeped out from beneath the silver stud in my nose and I exclaimed,
'It's massive!'
Polly reassured me that after 4-6 weeks I could change it for the smaller, more subtle jewels that I love.
'I don't like it,' was Mini-Me's deadpan response with a shake of his ginger mop.
I'm feeling more relieved and less manic now that I have done something I consider reckless, that only hurt me in this crazy time of my life. Next I have the minor gynae operation to look forward to. Gulp!

Birthday card from my brother

Mum and I went to church together on New Year's Day. It was a joint service in another village so quite well attended and in a beautiful old building. Lots of large white candles were flickering on each stone window ledge below the stained glass windows. I felt so peaceful and full of hope again despite the sad news on the radio that morning. It was the first time mum had seen the nose job. She chuckled and said it was OK. I told her that I could think of worse things to do and we both giggled in the pew. During the prayers while saying sorry to God for all the wrong things I think, say and do, I felt completely calm inside and my soul simply replied, 'I trust you.'

Not really resolving to do anything new in particular but perhaps make a bit more effort to sustain our marriage, Romeo and I planned an adventure walk together sans enfants. Because it's not all about sex is it? This Dear Reader is NOT a rhetorical question. You should be shouting right about now,
'No Susie, it's not all about the sex,' or 'Yes Susie, it really is all about sex,' whatever your own opinion dictates. It probably depends on whether you are male or female.

Back to the walk. It was brilliant being out together alone on the moors with a bit of rock climbing next to a waterfall on the ascent, before being submerged in low cloud on the steep and slippy descent. Romeo really made a massive effort here because the day before he had slipped on some black ice. Despite the bottles of wine in each hand surviving the fall, his knee suffered quite badly but he hobbled up and down just to be with me.

The saddest thing happened on New Year's Eve when half an hour before going to a friendly, family party Mini-Me looked us both directly in the eye and asked, 'Is it you? Are you Santa?' The truth was followed by thirty minutes of crying, door slamming, counselling and comforting. We somehow managed to get to the party which was great fun, but then while walking home together at 1 am he says soberly,
'So, I suppose you are the Tooth Fairy as well?' Dirtbag has been quite calm and supportive throughout, recognising that her brother's ten year old belief system has been shattered forever.

I hope this new year is being kind to you whatever you may be experiencing. Remember it will not always be like this, circumstances can change for better or worse. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it and hang onto your friends as though they were the only life jacket left in the stormiest of seas. That's what I do anyway.

 

''But what is my dream? Is it really to know God, or is to know personal happiness? Didn't Teresa also warn that the price of following a dream includes painful setbacks, even having to start all over again? Sometimes it means facing things that we think we can't face, to learn the depth of God's mystery and of our need for faith. My God, I feel as if I am being torn apart.''

From Lying Awake by Mark Salzman.

With Love xx

Reading: Notes On A Scandal by Zoë Heller
Listening to: Time Moves Slow by BadBadNotGood feat. Sam Herring
Singing & Dancing to Outside, Faith and Careless Whisper (from Ladies & Gentlemen The Best of George Michael 1998) in my kitchen with a long lost girlfriend under the glitter ball on a grey Monday evening
Watched: DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story (2004) and Noah (2014)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSgmgkyhPZ4

I remember everything

Page 45

I am now another year older and hopefully a bit wiser. My colleagues surprised me at 9 am with a birthday cake bearing a few burning candles. Some of my gifts included: an electric toothbrush (Romeo), hand cream (Mini-Me), a notepad and a heartfelt, hand written letter (Dirtbag). Obviously my friends spoilt me too with some lovely thoughtful gifts.
Laugh along with me and pages 44-45 (how perfectly coincidental of my age change and name) from The Ladybird Book of The Mid-Life Crisis:

Suzy is at the hairdresser's.

She wants to look good because tonight she is going to a gabba all-nighter under a railway arch with her estranged daughter.

''Dye it blue, please,'' says Suzy.

Suzy is wondering which bra will best show off her new tattoo.

Shopping in Leeds and afternoon tea out with a special friend of mine was a great treat. It was a multi-sensory overload of sights, lights, sounds and sparkles in the freezing fog. At one point I actually thought I was in London being the country bumpkin that I am. Meanwhile, Romeo was out on the golf course seemingly in another country, as he was above the low cloud in beautiful winter sunshine. Heaven knows where the kids were?

We missed our connecting train back to Shepley by 3 minutes leaving us with a whole hour to kill in Huddersfield. So we decided to have a walk round our town which was quite a shock to the system after the safe hustle and bustle of the city. It was only 6.15 pm and the Christmas lights were on but I felt a bit unnerved passing by groups of hooded youths and the ambulance was already parked up outside Wetherspoons. We managed a quick circular walk, passing the beautiful tree outside the station with the statue of Harold Wilson standing stoically still behind, then entered the Head of Steam for a drink. I was certain we witnessed some dodgy street transaction between a man and a young woman and it's times like these that I wish I was not so observant.

Leeds

The Cure provided a perfect remedy at Manchester Arena, especially as I was going out on a work night which made it even more exciting. I parked in a car park down a really disgusting litter filled side street, which was a brisk ten minute walk from the venue. As my a-ha mad friend and I weaved our way around the rubbish I found myself saying, 'You wouldn't get this in Qatar.' Well definitely not on the streets but upon the shores of the coastline were zillions of discarded plastic bottles, bags, nappies and sandals.
I was slightly unhappy to miss the early evening support act (this is a cryptic clue as to who they were??) but both being working girls and mothers we couldn't get there any sooner. The stage lighting was fab and the first song I heartily sang along to was The Walk followed swiftly by In Between Days and Lovesong, which is my favourite, before wandering off into A Forest. It was a mixed crowd and appeared full to capacity and I saw at least two people being dragged over the barrier from the mosh pit. My eyesight is still good even from up in the rafters, although I am trying to deny the possibility that I may need some reading glasses soon. Robert and the band looked quite sprightly and he had obviously spent ages doing his hair. We did discuss whether it could actually be a wig or not nowadays, given his age.
A giddy, middle aged dancing woman behind us suddenly stumbled, falling on top of me and my friend from this extreme height. With gravity on her side she grabbed onto the large silver hoop earring swinging in my left ear lobe, to steady her downfall. OUCH!!

Throughout the great two and a half hour gig there was a constant stream of people particularly on our row and the one in front that kept moving up and down and along. It was so annoying. Can't anyone sit still anymore? I danced as much as I could from the waist upwards, reminding myself how lucky I am to have full body function unlike many of the lovely students at school who are fastened safely in their wheelchairs. Dropping my friend off up our street just before midnight, I didn't need a Lullaby to send me to sleep. The third encore set was still playing in my head: Friday I'm In Love, Boys Don't Cry, Close To Me and Why Can't I Be You.

Exactly a week later I find myself in the village church hall listening to the Shepley Singers, enjoying their harmonies reverberating in this place where I went to playgroup as a child, then Brownies and Guides. I even had my 'Surprise' 40th party here just before we left for the desert. How ecstatic was I to win two adult tickets for the Spring Festival next year in the raffle. Brilliant!

I am without doubt in full Christmas mode having enjoyed carol services and Nativity performances at both school and church. I smiled constantly as I pushed my wise man proudly onto the stage in his wheelchair while trying to balance the crown on his head. His parents were waving to him from the audience and by some small miracle I managed not to cry.
Everywhere I look there are decorated trees and twinkling lights which brighten up the grey skies.
'It's so dull Mum, I hate it here. I want to go back. I miss my friends,' says Mini-Me between sobs and anger outbursts.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Facing a few friends who are sadly suffering some bereavement just now, I am once again reminded of how fragile we all are. Trusting these words from Kahlil Gibran can comfort us:

'Your joy is your sorrow unmasked
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises
was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper the sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.'

Obviously I have survived my works Christmas do or I wouldn't be typing this right now. If I can't see you or be with you in what's left of this year, know that I am thinking of you.
Hope to see you in 2017.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy & Healthy New Year! (I can just about say this in Makaton now too).

With Love xx

Reading: A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
Singing: Christmas carols and songs
Listening & dancing to:www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkCYh1x44G8
Watched: Jason Bourne (2016), Scrooged (1988), Rise of The Guardians (2012) and Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016) in 3D

Winter is coming.........

I can, wholeheartedly state that I have not felt as cold as I do now in five whole years. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Halloween was bone-chilling enough with a constant stream of trick or treaters knocking on the door between 5 and 7pm. Being left home alone I decided to put on my best Russian witch accent and have some fun. You could say I was over acting but it was so funny seeing the little ghouls, vampires, witches and wizards trying to work out if I was foreign or not. At least a couple of brave skeletons had the guts to say, 'Bye crazy lady,' after receiving their sweets which made me cackle even louder. Mini-Me had fun terrorising another part of the neighbourhood while Dirtbag was at the orthodontist having her braces removed. She returned grinning like a teenager possessed, with glow in the dark pearly whites. Needless to say, she looks even more beautiful than she already did before.

The village bonfire was a blazing success on such a freezing cold night. I stood as close to the fire as the cordon allowed with my friend, shivering in many layers of clothing, our faces glowing from the heat. Choosing to drink hot chocolate over alcohol to warm me on the inside this time while enjoying the firework display above us. Seeing my old pal there reminded me of the time we decided to have a camp fire together behind the cricket club tea hut built of wood. We were either in Brownies or Guides back then and obviously wanted to put our new skills to the test. My friend stayed at base camp while I ran across the cow field, climbed over the wall and into my back garden to steal some matches from our kitchen.

'What are you up to Suzanne?'
'Nothing Mum, I'm just having fun at the cricket field with Jane.'
'Be careful!'

We were enjoying the first plumes of smoke signalling upwards, oblivious to any danger and happy to be having this adventure together. The next thing we knew was the groundsman at the time, a lovely chap no longer with us, sprinting across the field towards us, waving his arms and looking really, really angry.

'What the bloody hell do you two think you're doing?'
'We're having a camp fire, Cedric.'
'No, you're bloody well not! You're going to burn the bloody tea hut down.'
Our tears probably quenched the pubescent flames.

The same old ramshackle tea hut remains to this day but the new giant club house is progressing as well as available funds will allow.

I See Fire

I walked gleefully down the road to catch the train as the first snow began to fall, catching the flakes in the purple palms of my gloved hands. At once I became Lucy entering the wonderful world of Narnia for the first time. Not having seen or felt snow for five years was so exciting for all of us. Romeo had galloped out into town earlier in the week to buy more bedding; we now sleep under two duvets to combat the freezing cold. I am eating and sleeping well, still cycling and walking, working up a cold sweat to fight the stubborn flabby bits. Happy to report that my hard work has been rewarded with my temporary contract becoming a permanent one. Brilliant!

My survival skills are also up to date, having recently watched The Revenant which I absolutely loved. I'm glad to state that there are not any bears in my woods. My closest encounter with nature recently was when a fox dashed out in front of me on my bike ride home. And I do imagine when snuggled up in my pyjamas beneath the double duvets, that it is as cosy as being inside the sleeping bag of a dead horse.

'You breathe. Keep breathing.'
'On est tous sauvages.'

I am so happy to be reconnecting with my favourite friends here in the UK. The time we spend together is never is enough. You know how much I love you, though, don't you? On a recent night out in Holmfirth, my friend and I laughed when we realised we could have gone to see Chas and Dave perform in the Picturedrome. We did see them leave backstage by coincidence, both still sporting their beards and flat caps. It's worth checking out what bands are performing at this venue as alongside the many tribute acts there are some interesting surprises such as: Reef, The Wedding Present, Roy Wood, Sophie Ellis Bextor and Howard Jones.

The service for Remembrance Sunday was well attended. I cried as The Last Post was played by a young lad and I thought of my great grandfathers, my grandfathers and my friend, Arthur.

'We remember with thanksgiving and sorrow those whose lives, in world wars and conflicts past and present, have been given and taken away.'

With Love xx

Reading: Lying Awake by Mark Salzman
Listening to: Suzanne by Leonard Cohen, originally a poem then his debut single in 1967 and In Your Eyes by BadBadNotGood ft Charlotte Day Wilson (2016)
Singing & dancing to:The Cure in preparation for their upcoming gig in Manchester
Watched: Mirror Mirror (2012), The Revenant (2015) and The Shelley College production of Billy Elliot The Musical (2016) which was brilliant.